I have officially been home just over a week and am feeling more at ease than I have in a long time. I love being here - in Monterey County, at my house, near the beach, with my mom, etc. I am able to take a breath and just be, which I felt like I hadn’t done in a long time. Working at home is going great. Being with friends is amazing (except for missing my Munchkateers in Sacramento). I still feel the sting of the past 5 months but I think being with my mom is helping me cope, I’m feeling a little less alone and lost. And Dandy comes tomorrow and I am looking forward to family time more than anything.
There’s nothing that wakes you up on a Friday morning than a good old fashioned anxiety attack. Just when I thought I was moving past the tears, tight chest and shakes, Boom!
Life has enjoyed smacking me in the face lately. I know I’m not the only one with problems and sadness, but the optimism is getting a little harder to force these days. I try to remind myself that I am lucky - I have a great job, the best mom a girl could ever imagine and a wife who loves me very much. I have a home, I have food, I am blessed. The thoughts are comforting but I am still feeling the sting of life’s hand on my cheek.
My last week in Sacramento is just not looking as positive as I’d dreamed. The saying good bye is getting harder and I am feeling more and more alone. I live in a big apartment, basically by myself, filled with boxes and a mess - and I am beginning to feel claustrophobic. 7 days, just have to remind myself 7 days and things will change. I will be somewhere I love, with people I love and no longer alone (unless I want to be).
I am fighting the urge to pack my car and just head home now. I am trying hard to remind myself why I waited until March 10th to move - even though the reason doesn’t quite seem as compelling at this point - in fact, I feel like I’m the only one who cared that I wait that long. Oh well, one week till Banana and I are home for real.